It is not a question of
Whether you were enough
Or not,
Too much,
Or not.
You exceed quantities, beyond
Into questions of
Whether you were fitting,
My self with yours
Or not,
Fits too well,
Or not.
These are questions of relation
Which means there are two
Trying to be one,
Or not.
So question not your worth
For it exceeds my words
And consumes me
To propel me forward,
Or not.
/michal
We are dead, but
We still write.
Our collective pulse has flatlined
For the most part, but
Every few weeks
There is a sign of life
Relentless life
Still bursting between us
Still hopeful
Still
Let us declare a death
Already
A proper death
Certificates and all.
/michal
I am waiting for enough moments
to pass until
I am no longer fighting urges
to call him.
I go through the motions of my day,
slowly unfreezing,
hurriedly wondering,
at what point is it acceptable for me
to be light again?
Some days have lighter moments
which cloud over with guilt:
How dare I be okay?
What about him?
Is he okay?
I am waiting for enough moments
to combine until
I start stitching myself back up,
through packets of time.
/michal
Of course it was love.
What else could have been so
relentless, so
exquisite, so
inescapable?
But I leave, now,
walking
(crawling)
away from it all
away from you
and your relentless love.
/michal
Of course I am spinning around
still
in my own little circle, but why
can’t I stop?
I can’t see
the world around me.
It does not keep up with my speed
Like my hands
Which I see clearly (spinning with me).
But the world, a blur.
Let me slow down
And see my reflection
And breathe in sync with her lungs.
I had a small doll once
(With silvery blue hair)
And her hands were sewn together
To make a loop for her knees
To tuck into.
She would sit there and hug herself
And that is all she did.
/michal
This morning
The alarm rang at 7:00
But I didn’t think of you until 7:03
So I am making progress.
This morning
I swore at 7:00
Then again at 7:03
But there was no one there
To swear
With me.
I swore at your absence.
This morning
My dreams ended at 7:00
When I woke up to nothing at all
Except for everything I have forgotten
While memorizing you.
/michal
The only true thing
I ever learned from you
is how we lie to ourselves
in order to survive.
/cristina
I am rediscovering myself
Re-searching
Researching.
I stopped when you found me
Now I’ve lost you, and parts of me
With you
Treasures gone with the sinking ship.
Maybe someone will find you someday
Holding my treasures as your own
Cupping your hands
Filling with rust.
Covered in seaweed,
Home for new life.
I bury myself in new sand,
Make glass from the grains that buried me alive.
Suffocating but strong enough to breathe life into my own lungs
Once more forgetting to breathe for others
(Once more remembering to breathe for myself)
/michal
He broke up with her
because he didn’t know if he loved
her
—
He broke up with me
because he didn’t know if he loved
her
—
I am left unknown
Blindsided
Blinded
(re)bound to myself
/michal
Time passes differently
I’m sure
when you’re the one
who doesn’t give a shit
when you’re the one
for whom this is just
a passing curiosity
idle chatter
irrelevant
to what makes you happy
tangential
to what gives you
relief
when your theory
of mind doesn’t extend
across the distances
that grow between us
when you simply can’t
be bothered
to remember that I care
the way you used to.
You are a closed system
of thought and deed
and I am sometimes
sucked in, dragged along
in parallel
but the rest of me
just gets in the way.
Oblivious, you
pat yourself on the back
and I join in when you let me
from where I stand
alone.
/cristina
